Monday, October 1, 2007

MY Meg

Congratulations to my very best friend! She got some great news today. Through all the heartache and horrid pain she’s had to endure she really deserves to be happy. Before this day she was concerned that the outcome might be different. I almost never pray for someone else, but this is far different then the average persons hardship. Because she is such a large part of my heart and soul I pleaded several times for this to workout. So this is a day to rejoice for answered prayers.

She is a mother that had her baby taken from her by adoption. This is how we meet. We share a grief that runs deeper than death. We are bonded through anguish, misery, and anger for all that has been done to us. But our connection flows far deeper then just our shared anguish for our lost babies and hatred towards the adoption industry. If you have ever heard of a cosmic connection then you know how vast our relationship really is.

She truly means more then the world to me. She has been there for me when I really need someone to understand and she listens without judgment. To find a person that can relate without discrimination is truly a miracle. Not only is she there for me but she also goes out of her way to help others. She’s the type to take that extra step for all the right reasons. She holds power and strength with modest form. She is resultant, intelligent, and beautiful. I’m incredibly fortunate and extremely grateful to have her in my life.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Happy Birthday Sebastian

Today I am morning my baby boy's second birthday. Sebastian Allen is the name I gave him. The adopters changed it to suit themselves. It's hard for me to call him by the name they gave him. The name change was just another way to continue the lie. The biggest lie is the birth certificate that states that she gave birth to my son. The original one that states the truth is locked away.

Two years ago my son was ripped from my body through emergency C section, and then he was placed in the hands of strangers. I was the last person to see him. I was never told why this was done to me. When first I arrived at the hospital my doctor told me that she couldn't be there because she had to go out of town by 4:30pm that day. I didn't want the doctor that was filling in for her and I asked if there was anyone else available. Since there wasn't anyone else I reluctantly agreed to have this other doctor on staff. A little while later I noticed they put me on the drug that would push my labor faster. No one told why this was being done. About 4:20pm my doctor showed up. She was talking with the nurses by the door but I couldn't hear what they were saying. The next thing I knew I was surrounded by several nurses; on pushing me to sign a paper, another shaving me, others moving my IV and bed. I was simply told I needed a C section. He was ripped out of me at 4:26pm, and my doctor was gone right after that. There is only one thing that makes any sense here and that's she did it to get out of town on time.

The very next morning the social worker from the agency came into my room. We small talked for a few minutes. I remember her asking me how I was doing and I said the pain was returning from the surgery. She reached up and pushed the button to my IV that pumped in a heavy pain killer. Things started to get hazy but I recall her handing my a paper too sign. After that I don't remember much of anything else for quite a while, but I'm sure there was more then that one paper.

I was on such strong pain killers that I couldn't think strait for days. Just before my court date to sign away my rights I called to ask for my son back. I was told that if I wanted him back I'd have to go and get him. They (the agency) shipped him all the way across the state I live in and because of the major surgery I couldn't drive. Then the social worker told me that everything I was feeling was normal hormones and I'd "get over it" as soon as they went back to regular levels. She told me that I had to think of the adopters and my son, to be "brave" and do "what's best", and keeping him would be selfish. It was one of the biggest and worst guilt trips I've ever been on.

It's two years later and I know I will NEVER "get over it". To lose a child has and is the worst thing anyone can ever go through. With all the deceitful manipulation and down right blatant lies I can say with all my heart, mind and soul that I hate all that has to do with adoption. The true selfish people out there are the adopters. They want a child and they don't care who they hurt to do it, and this includes the precious child. My heart goes out to all the adoptees that have had to live a life of lies and all the true mothers that lost their child though an evil system.

So happy birthday my sweet Sebastian. I'm sorry you will have to grow up in a world of lies. Please know that I love you with all my heart. You are in my thoughts every single day. And I will always long to hold you in my arms.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Denial vs Reality

It was January of this year that I first started searching information on adoption. Before that I was still caught up in all the lies. I believed them all, including the ones about being a selfish evil person if I kept my son. I also thought that I would "get over" all the negative feelings. And I tried so hard to feel good about all of it.

Last year at this time I did all I could not to look back at what happened. Now it's all I can think about. Two years ago I was pregnant and only two weeks to go before his birth. Those people wrapped up in my life like they were always going to be my very best friends. My son's father that has barely said a word about it (and still hasn't). I can't help but find myself jaded deep in depression and postal with rage.

These next couple few weeks are going to be very hard for me. The only thing that I have is my friends that are mothers with the same issues as mine. In a twisted grateful way I'm glad I'm not all alone in this emotional torture. No one can understand like those that are in the same boat.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Everyday Is Pain

I'm fraught with empathy for all the mothers with children lost to adoption. Each holiday that goes by that you can't be with your absent child hurts. But the one day that rips through our souls the most is the day our child was born. The day our child was torn from our arms.

There's many nights I lay awake replaying the birth of my son. My mind goes through each moment as if there was a way I could have changed it. If I just did this or that different. Like if I went to a different hospital under the name Jane Doe. Over and over I imagine things far from this pain I live in now. Every peace of me wishes I knew what I know now. But I live in a world without time machines or magic wands. I can't take this pain way. I can't help those who are just like me.

All I can do is understand what we mothers are going through emotionally because I'm in the same boat with them everyday. (I should say ship because our number are huge.) I know the ominous need to have our baby, the anger that someone else has them, and the depressing sorrow that we have to live without our child.

There is no considerable amount of healing that beget this kind of loss. It truly is worse then death.

Saturday, August 4, 2007

Society In Our Heads

Where is the help for pregnant woman? What are they left to think they should do when society gives them only two options? Either abort or "give" to adoption. If you could never abort what are you left with?

They say...
You're poor and you can't give your baby what it needs. There are couples out there that can do it for you. You can't raise a baby without a father (or husband). A child needs a two parent home. A family that can't conceive a child has more love then you can give. They can provide more then you could because they are well established, have degrees, and high paying jobs. Your child will have a much better life with them.

What they don't say...
You and your child will have a life time of hurt from adoption. Once you call an agency they will do everything in their power to pound more things to say to coerce you into adoption. They will flat out lie. They will treat you like a best friend until you have the baby and then you are the worst enemy. They will use a bunch of legal jargon to convince you that you have no choice. They will take your baby and not tell you where he/she is. And it goes on and on and on.

I was suckered by society, an agency, and the ones who adopted of my son. I was made to feel that I was worthless as a mother and a person. It's to late for me. I can't get back my son because I know all the things I know now. And I'm not the only one. So far the only thing we (mothers who have lost to adoption) have is word of mouth about all these babysellers and buyers. We are stifled by the masses because no one wants to hear that adoption is wrong.

I pray that someday soon that our cries will be heard by all.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007


I start this to inform others of my story and in hopes that it helps someone. The more that these stories get out there the more chance that we (mothers) will be heard. And maybe just maybe stop it from happening to someone else. If I can just help one lost soul this is all worth it.

There is a great atrocity happening in this world and it's being glorified by mass society. They have been backing lies and trapping young women for many many years. No one wants to hear about the pain and soul ripping heart ache that we mothers have for our lost children. If a very despairing woman longing for her child dares to take measures into her own hands to get what is rightfully hers back in her loving arms she is chastised by the media and thrown in jail. The real criminal act is no one stood up and did the right thing to help this woman or for that matter any of the women that really need it.

Why has the stealing of babies become such a moral and lawful act in this society? Adoption is by far the most barbaric crime against nature. In this supposed advance society one would think that there would be a system in place to help scared pregnant women. Not give them the only answer for them is "place your baby" with someone and never see that child again.

You might ask "What about open or semi open adoptions?". This is a farce put in place to by adoption agencies that target the expecting mother into believing that she will always know her child and that he/she is safe. The fact is that there is no law that supports open or semi open adoptions. If the adopters choose not to continue contact with the mother of the child there is nothing that mother can do about it legally. More often then not mothers are jettison into the abyss of non-existence without any hope.

I implore you to stand up against the masses and do the ethical thing against the evils of adoption. There isn't a one mother or child out there that hasn't been devastated by the effects of adoption. If you know a person looking to adopt stop them from their selfish act and educate them in the horrid long lasting effects that adoption will have on the child as well as the mother of that child.