Today I am morning my baby boy's second birthday. Sebastian Allen is the name I gave him. The adopters changed it to suit themselves. It's hard for me to call him by the name they gave him. The name change was just another way to continue the lie. The biggest lie is the birth certificate that states that she gave birth to my son. The original one that states the truth is locked away.
Two years ago my son was ripped from my body through emergency C section, and then he was placed in the hands of strangers. I was the last person to see him. I was never told why this was done to me. When first I arrived at the hospital my doctor told me that she couldn't be there because she had to go out of town by 4:30pm that day. I didn't want the doctor that was filling in for her and I asked if there was anyone else available. Since there wasn't anyone else I reluctantly agreed to have this other doctor on staff. A little while later I noticed they put me on the drug that would push my labor faster. No one told why this was being done. About 4:20pm my doctor showed up. She was talking with the nurses by the door but I couldn't hear what they were saying. The next thing I knew I was surrounded by several nurses; on pushing me to sign a paper, another shaving me, others moving my IV and bed. I was simply told I needed a C section. He was ripped out of me at 4:26pm, and my doctor was gone right after that. There is only one thing that makes any sense here and that's she did it to get out of town on time.
The very next morning the social worker from the agency came into my room. We small talked for a few minutes. I remember her asking me how I was doing and I said the pain was returning from the surgery. She reached up and pushed the button to my IV that pumped in a heavy pain killer. Things started to get hazy but I recall her handing my a paper too sign. After that I don't remember much of anything else for quite a while, but I'm sure there was more then that one paper.
I was on such strong pain killers that I couldn't think strait for days. Just before my court date to sign away my rights I called to ask for my son back. I was told that if I wanted him back I'd have to go and get him. They (the agency) shipped him all the way across the state I live in and because of the major surgery I couldn't drive. Then the social worker told me that everything I was feeling was normal hormones and I'd "get over it" as soon as they went back to regular levels. She told me that I had to think of the adopters and my son, to be "brave" and do "what's best", and keeping him would be selfish. It was one of the biggest and worst guilt trips I've ever been on.
It's two years later and I know I will NEVER "get over it". To lose a child has and is the worst thing anyone can ever go through. With all the deceitful manipulation and down right blatant lies I can say with all my heart, mind and soul that I hate all that has to do with adoption. The true selfish people out there are the adopters. They want a child and they don't care who they hurt to do it, and this includes the precious child. My heart goes out to all the adoptees that have had to live a life of lies and all the true mothers that lost their child though an evil system.
So happy birthday my sweet Sebastian. I'm sorry you will have to grow up in a world of lies. Please know that I love you with all my heart. You are in my thoughts every single day. And I will always long to hold you in my arms.
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3 comments:
my heart really goes out to you. i understand the psychology behind wanting whats best for your baby and being manipulated into adoption.
it took about 8 months post adoption for that to wear off for me.i wish i could say it gets easier.losing my daughter to adoption has been the single most painful traumatic experience ive ever had to endure.and unfortunately we still endure it every day.
i pray that you reconnect with your son.i pray for all of us mothers in exile.its torture i swear.
(((Hugs))) I am very sorry they did this to you and your boy. Please remember a piece of paper does not take away the truth regardless of whether you signed it. Biology cannot be replaced and you are your boy's one true Mama. I hope one day he searches for the truth and you are reunited again. Its not much comfort, I know, but in this world we are cast into, there isn't much comfort to be found.
Myst
I empathize with your pain lady. I relinquished my daughter to adoption eleven years ago. Although the adoption was contractually "open" I did not hear from the family for over six years. They ignored my phone calls and pleas for the pictures and visits I was promised. Sadly, the contract was not legally binding so there is no legal recourse.
I hope you start blogging again. There is a lack of community and support for us birth mothers. In my opinion, those of us who are willing to need to write about our experience so that we can connect with one another. Here is a link to my blog http://thestoryofonebirthmother.blogspot.com/ and the support group I facilitate in the San Francisco Bay Area http://www.meetup.com/East-Bay-Birthmother-Meetup-Group/
I hope to see you writing again! Your words really touched me.
In health,
Courtney
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